Sibling Rivalry: 7 Powerful and Peaceful Ways to Manage It in Kids

As a father of four, I often have to deal with sibling rivalry in my kids.

While raising three girls and a boy and resolving their brotherly and sisterly disputes, I have realized that sibling rivalry is inevitable—children will compete with each other and try to gain dominance using their age and talent.

The question is how to deal with rivalry among children.

Well, in my view, there is no one-size-fits-all solution, but let me share with you some tips that worked for me in managing sibling rivalry effectively.

1. Give Individual Attention

First, we need to understand why our kids engage in conflict and try to dominate each other.

I believe that we humans want to be acknowledged and appreciated. When parents can’t manage to give individual attention to each child, sibling conflicts intensifies as kids try to make their presence felt.

One thing I do when I find my kids competing is to I communicate with each child and take an interest in how they feel, what they like or dislike and why.

These conversations usually have positive results because each child feels heard and understood. This approach also helps me recognize how my kids are thinking and what issues they are facing in their sibling rivalry dynamics.

2. Siblings Should Support Each Other

I guide my kids to work as a team and overcome any conflicts by supporting each other.

For example, when doing household work, I ask them to divide tasks and help each other, which reduces competition and promotes cooperation.

Especially during challenging tasks like cleaning the house, we as a family work together and take on the challenge as a team. I also participate in group activities, such as cooking, cleaning, or playing chess games.

This motivates my children to work together, reduces competation, and helps them learn to appreciate each other’s strengths.

3. Step Back

As parents, we have realised that not every incident needs our direct involvement.

At times, we step back and let the dust settle. This gives our kids an opportunity to resolve their sibling rivalry themselves, which strengthens their negotiation and problem-solving skills.

4. Avoid Yelling

At times, I give knee-jerk reactions to my kids’ disobedience, especially during intense episodes. But remaining calm is key.

To manage sibling rivalry better, we need to set a good example. For instance, when my wife and I disagree, we listen and avoid yelling, teaching our kids to resolve small clashes with similar calmness and respect.

5. Organize Activities Among Siblings

To help reduce sibling rivalry, I organize group activities that foster cooperation.

We often play chess, go to parks, or watch movies together as a family. These shared moments give my children a chance to bond and minimise any conflicts through teamwork.

During chess games, my kids even team up to beat me—working together instead of competing against each other, which helps ease the tension caused by sibling rivalry.

6. Acknowledge Emotions

When I notice some conflict emerging through jealousy or frustration, I validate my kids’ emotions.

For example, if one child is upset over an unequal slice of cake, I acknowledge their feelings without judgment, helping them manage the emotional side.

I also share stories from my childhood when sibling rivalry was a part of growing up, which helps my kids feel understood.

7. Find the Root Cause of Sibling Rivalry

Sometimes, sibling rivalry is just a surface symptom of deeper feelings. I observe my kids silently to identify the root cause behind their harsh behaviour.

Often, feelings of being left out or ignored spark rivalry. When I help my daughters understand that they are equally loved and unique, they feel heard.

Understanding the emotional triggers behind sibling rivalry is key to resolving it.

Expert Views on Managing Sibling Rivalry

Dr. Laura Markham emphasizes that nurturing strong one-on-one relationships with each child can reduce sibling rivalry significantly. Her approach focuses on listening, emotional validation, and proactive attention.

By giving kids tools to express themselves calmly and resolve disagreements, parents can help them manage sibling rivalry on their own.

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, in their book Siblings Without Rivalry, explain that avoiding comparisons and acknowledging every child’s emotions is vital in reducing sibling rivalry.

They suggest parents act as facilitators rather than judges when sibling rivalry arises, helping children find fair solutions and improving sibling bonds.

In short, sibling rivalry is a natural part of growing up in any family. But by staying calm, giving individual attention, fostering cooperation, and understanding emotions, we can turn sibling rivalry into an opportunity for growth, empathy, and lifelong bonding.

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